Going Back...

I was thinking back to when I started gaining weight. I can remember when I was about 8 or 9 asking my mom and dad if I was fat. At that time, I was a normal weight and size for my age. I always was thinking I was fat.

I was 8 years old here 

It doesn't help that at that age, I had already fallen and cracked one of my front teeth, and didn't have many close friends.

I think my self confidence problem, and weight gain started more in 5th and 6th grade. 5th grade was probably the worst year I had in school ever. I was made fun of relentlessly.

I hated going to school everyday. Most of my friends that I had at my elementary school were no longer my friends when I got the 5th and 6th grade. It was the year that 2 of the schools in my town merged into 1, that was the toughest. All of the kids from the new school that were in my class decided that I wasn't cool, or worth common decency. I cried a lot, I got into a fight or 2, and didn't feel supported by anyone except my teacher (who I am still in contact with today, and she has inspired me to do great things) and of course my parents.

Me and Mrs. Andersen in 5th grade

I remember at dinner I would always eat whatever my brother didn't. I would get made fun of for being heavier, I would get made fun of for the way my hair was (it's naturally curly and frizzy), I would get made fun of for my glasses, and my clothes. Basically anything that I did was made fun of in some capacity. I hated every single day of 5th grade. Middle school wasn't much better, and neither was the first half of high school. By 7th grade, my tooth had re-broken and I started to add on some pounds due both to over eating and starting with the wonderful plumper, puberty.

Me in 7th Grade

While I had more friends by the time I was in 8th grade and freshman year, they weren't really great friends. I was the one that people went to when everyone else was busy. I felt very solitary, I felt alone a lot. Getting into high school didn't change things really. I was still always alone, and then I had the added fun of the mean girls and popular cliques laughing at me behind my back. I was always being told that so&so said this about me, and so&so said that about me, usually it related to my weight. I remember distinctly that one time someone came up to me and told me that they were told "Maybe if I lost some weight, I could actually get a boyfriend". That's a great thought to plant into the head of someone who at 16 so badly wanted that connection with someone else.

It made no difference, I still continued to gain weight through high school. At my heaviest I weighed about 225 pounds.

Senior prom came around and I decided that it was time to lose weight. I wanted to be able to buy those pretty dresses that all of the other girls were getting. I worked really hard, I got down to 190 pounds... I tried on dresses... and nothing looked good on me still. I was heartbroken. I ended up finding a dress. It wasn't as glamorous as all of the other girls dresses, but it was pretty and comfortable.

Since high school I have gone up to my highest weight of 246 pounds, then went back down to 210, then have hovered between 210 and 218 for the last 2 years.

Looking back at those years in school... it still sometimes brings me to tears. Whether they realized it or not the things that were said to me by a lot of people have stayed with me since they were said. Bullying was a big reason why I would never go back to high school again if given the opportunity. I became a teacher so that maybe I could make a difference when it comes to bullying. I see those kids who are bigger, or shorter, or taller, or have a weird name or whatever kids are making  fun of now, and I just want to hug them all and tell them that it won't always be this way. Yeah it hurts when someone says something mean to you, I won't ever say it doesn't because I've been there. But if I can get past it then so can you.

I had a great support system then and still do now. Even though my outside doesn't reflect how I feel inside, I am now on the road to finding that equilibrium.


Q.O.D. 

Were you ever bullied? Did you ever bully someone else?