Long Time No See...

Well, it's been over 6 months since my last blog. I have had quite a few ups and downs in the diet train. I wish I could say I stuck to it more than not... Unfortunately I would have to say I have been off more than on. I still have been trying to keep with it, eating healthy, menu planning and not going out to eat. I have been trying to do the gym about 2-3 days a week, man oh man has that been difficult! Especially this winter!! I mean seriously? I can't think of anything I want to do less than get dressed, and go outside, when the actual temperature is -13!! 

The last few weeks though, I have been going to the gym after work, and doing a lot of crock pot cooking so I don't have to worry about having dinner ready at 5! I started a new job in August, 3 days a week I am the computer teacher at a local Catholic School. I think that has been a saving Grace... no pun intended. I am not home to snack all day. We have had 4 "Snow" Days since we got back from Christmas Break, and I can tell you, I definitely eat more when I am home... I think everyone does... right?

The nice thing about working, I know what I am having for breakfast, I know what I am having for lunch, and there is NO snacking between! Which... let me tell you.. very difficult when so many wonderful treats just appear like magic in the Teacher's Lounge. Since coming back from break, there have been cookies, donuts, chocolate, today there was Olive Garden!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?!

I started MyFitnessPal on Sunday. Giving it a whirl. Can't hurt, right? I like what it's saying about my weight loss in the next 5 weeks. If I keep on track for the next 5 weeks I will be out of the 200 club! Hells yeah! I don't think I have been under 200 pounds since I was a sophomore in high school. You know, back when I thought I was massive. How stupid was I? 

I have a great support system at work and home. It's now less than 1 year until my wedding, and I think I really need to get back to writing my blog. I have been writing my novel so much, I am almost done with it now, and I can't wait to see where that takes me. 

Here is the honest truth about why I have not been writing my blog. I had nothing to say. I lost 2 pounds, gained 3, lost 4, gained 2, I have gained and lost so much weight in the last year, just when I think I am starting to look good, I get lazy and fall right back to where I was. It's a vicious cycle, and I am running out of time to get it gone. I should have been working this hard all along, but I didn't want to. I hate going to the gym, but I do it, and I work hard when I am there. There are a ton of people who tell me "You'll grow to miss it!" No. Never. I will never miss going to the gym, I've tried. It might be easier to miss if it didn't smell DISGUSTING every time I walked in! If I didn't have to hope and pray that I could get onto a machine because the last few weeks they have all been taken. If I didn't feel like I was being judged by the other gym goers every time I walked in the door, and if there wasn't this one annoying trainer who wants to chat while I'm working out. I just feel like if I wrote everyday, or even every week, I would bore the crap out of everyone! What I have to say about my life isn't that interesting. But I decided that whether people read this or not, I need to do this again, I need to be accountable. I am logging again, and I am blogging again. Whether I get views or not, I think it's important that I track my journey. I think it's important that I keep myself updated on the journey I have taken, and will be taking. 

I keep hearing this commercial, and it has a quote from Robin Williams, from The Dead Poet's Society. The last bit of it always gets me. "That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"  

What will my verse be? Only time will tell...

It's been a while...

It's been a long time since I have sat down and written a blog post. I have had a lot going on in the 3 months since I got engaged. Wow... I can't believe it's been 3 months.

My fiance and I have booked a location for the wedding, I chose bridesmaid dresses and the women who will be standing next to me when I say "I do". As well as the munchkins that will no doubt steal the show.

I have also been spending a lot of time working on myself. I joined the gym with my mom in May. we've been going 5 days a week. My problem is that I have been eating crap. Since I came back from my vacation a few weeks ago, I haven't given up vacation eating. In the last week or so I have changed my eating habits again, back to my healthy ways.

I have been enjoying the gym to an extent. It's been nice having my mom go with me. It makes me accountable to work out every day during the week. I notice a difference in the way my clothes have been fitting, and that's nice. I haven't lost any actual weight, but I'm not really stressing about the number on the scale so much anymore.

I do have to say that I went wedding dress shopping yesterday at the Macy's bridal salon. I was disappointed in the way things were handled there. My consultant was very nice, but it was difficult to see a wide variety of dresses because most of their samples came in only size 8. Since I am not that, I only had a handful of dresses I could try. I did find one that I really liked, but was disappointed that I could try the style I really wanted.

My budget will allow (at the most) a $2,000 dress. It seemed that the manager, was really focused on the bride that was spending a large amount of money, and somewhat cast me to the side. My mom mentioned something to him about how disheartening it was that I wasn't able to try the styles I wanted to because they only came in a size 8 for the sample. His response was that "because of the theme I have for my wedding and my budget being so restricted I wasn't going to find what I was looking for." That left a sour taste in my mouth. The robes in the fitting room didn't fit me, so I had to stand in my bra and underwear while the door was opened and closed to fit dresses through it. I felt very exposed. The final dress I tried on, was attempted to be put on by being pulled up over my ass and hips, while the consultant was straining to get it up (which was a wonderful feeling for me) I heard the dress rip... it ripped below the zipper about 2 inches. I didn't have to pay for anything because it was a sample, and they get ripped (or at least that's what my consultant told me) it was a blow to my confidence that the size I wear in real life, in a wedding dress was needing Crisco, and a crane to put it on me.

It's not a great feeling that I have been working fairly hard, and this experience, while fun to look at the dresses, wasn't necessarily stellar. I am changing the whole vibe of my blog. I am making it about positive thinking, and working on my mind as well as my body. The pounds will come off, I am in transition right now with working out, but I am confident that when I go for another appointment to Shelley's Bridal in West Dundee, I will put on a 16 with confidence.

I don't know what else to say at this point. I hope this is a welcomed come back.

The truth.

I suck at trying to lose weight.

I switched to SparkPeople, yeah I logged my food for 3 days and haven't logged since. I switched back to LoseIt.

I have been logging for 3 days now. I like the interface so much better. It's easier to use and I know how it works.

I have been walking while working, and cleaning at home to get my heart rate up and using that as exercise. I found it very difficult to stick with Jillian Michaels. The spaces I have available just aren't big enough to work out in.

I suck. I know this. I want so badly to be thin, I just don't want to do what I have to to get there. I hate all of it. I hate exercising. Eating right is fine, I can do that, I like healthy food. I love cooking. I just hate everything else.

I just hate it. I wish I had a magic potion I could drink and I wouldn't have to do any of this. I hate the judgment I feel when I want to eat french fries, or when I want some frozen yogurt.

I hate the feeling that I have to do this to please other people. I hate the process of getting healthy. I would much rather sit on my couch writing my novel than go for a run, or pop in a DVD where a lady yells at me for 20-30 minutes.

I'm aware I am fat and you telling me that "400 lb people" can do some of what's in the work out so I sure as hell should be able to, yeah it makes me want to cry.

I have heard every piece of advice possible. I need to just take a break from trying so hard to get this done right now. I am going back to the basics of what worked for me when I went from almost 260 pounds to 215. I am going to cut my portions, and stay below my calories. Walking again when it's not raining and nasty out. Walking is the only thing that doesn't make me want to punch kittens.

Weigh In, Party Day!!

I weighed in this morning, same as the last two weeks. Didnt gain. Didn't lose. I'm good with that for right now. Time to kick it into high gear starting Monday, I turn 26 on Friday and I am getting married in 20 months, and I need to look amazing in my dress.

Today is my birthday party and I will be indulging in some amazing food cooked by my wonderful family!

Guess I should start getting ready for the day!

What do you do when you get into a weight loss repetitive slump? How do you keep motivated?

Another Weigh- in Day!

I wasn't going to weigh-in today. For reasons most would understand. But I decided, what the hell? Why not? If I gained a pound or two, eh. At least I know why I did. But I worked out 3 days this week, and ate really healthy.

So I took the steps up to the scale, and balanced myself on it. When I looked down, imagine my surprise when I saw that I had lost 3 pounds! Jillian Michaels is working her magic, that is for sure! She may be a bitch, and I yell at her every time I work out, but I'm getting results, so I'm ok with it.

That means that I am 204 pounds. 4 more until I am under 200 pounds, that hasn't happened since I was in high school. I am so close! I just need to work harder, the next few months before I start going wedding dress shopping.

I can't wait for the weather to get warmer so I can do some yard work and exercise outside. The gloomy weather has made it tough to stay motivated. I just need some sunshine in my life.

Bright side, I now have only 53 pounds left to lose! :)

Yet Another Weigh-In

I didn't do a full week of workouts this week. So I wasn't really expecting much when I weighed in this morning. We did a lot of celebrating this week, which means a few dinners out. The scale was looming, and I was sure that either I was the same weight as always, or I had gained a pound or two (which I was ok with at this point).

To my happy surprise, I lost 2 pounds!! That means I am now 207 pounds, and have 57 pounds left to lose. That means I have lost a total of 11 pounds. I am giving myself until the end of the year to lose the weight, so I can start looking around for wedding dresses at that time.

Saving up is going to take us a long time. We set a TENTATIVE date of December 12, 2014. If it is looking like we won't be able to save enough money for all that comes with a wedding and marriage, then we may need to push it back a bit :(. Hopefully this fall brings us full time jobs, and the ability to sock away a crap load of money!!

I am luck that I have so many great friends and family members, that are willing to help make things for our big day. They are helping us keep costs down, and we are so very appreciative!

November 2012 220 lbs. (I had lost 2 before
starting my blog)

My 7th of the month picture, total loss of 13 pounds
since November  

Weigh In

I have been doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred for 10 days now. I didn't lose any this week, or gain this week.

What did happen though, is I get engaged!! That means that I have a whole new reason to lose the weight! I need to fit into a wedding dress in the near future! OMG!! A WEDDING DRESS!!

I can't wait to get to my goal weight so I can get one of those stunning dresses.

Here is the moment it happened :)

I said yes of course. 

Can't wait to plan and get my ass in shape!!